Rant bot ig

I’ve seen a lot of people make ranting bots and I thought why not

when someone does anything, even a little bit annoying I get images in my mind of hurting them, assaulting them, even just choking them to make them stop speaking. And when I go out in public in a crowded area, I get images of people hurting me and I really don’t like it. And then when I’m doing normal things just cleaning, reading or walking I get disgusting images and scenes in my head like someone getting tortured, sexual abuse or just deranging things and they come out of nowhere and it’s been going on for so long that I’m not even surprised or disgusted by it anymore

And I feel like I’m being filled with a wanting for something bad to happen, like I want to be hurt, or I want to be in that situation and I don’t like it and whenever I get urges to act on it I get really angry and my mind starts playing out the situation in even more detail and what would happen after and how people would react and my mind does that for everything what if I was a different gender? Or what if I lost my legs? What if I was born in a different month? And I’ll have a flash of my life going horribly or amazing because of it.

And I’m so fascinated by the topic of horror that I enjoy hearing stories about bad things, but when I hear more I get new scenes in my mind based off of those stories but I still love hearing them. I love hearing details of horrible experiences and how it affected people. I don’t even know if I fear my thoughts anymore because they happen so often, do I still have my morals? Am I a good person despite the fact that sometimes I think about acting on them? That I actively put myself in dangerous situations to see if one of my scenes would happen, like being near creeps or out in the forest, to see if I would like being violated like that even though really no one should ever crave something like that but I feel like I need it for some reason

And I’m completely aware that questioning if I’m bad because of my thoughts means that I still have morals but it doesn’t make it any less hard I guess.

Enough with ocd

Death is seriously scary to me, I’ve had pets and family members die but I’ve never actually cared, I feel really bad for that, because when my friends deal with death they grieve, really badly and I can’t understand them. But just thinking about dying personally or if my mother, the only person who truly understands me, dies, that’s really scary to me. Like what really happens? All those people who’ve died before, are they just gone, are they reliving their memories over and over because that’s even more terrifying to me. And I do believe in ghosts, but that’s a whole other chat.

The majority of people who I know, even if we aren’t friends, they always come to me to talk about their problems or get help, and I’m always like ‘get a therapist’ but I don’t say that directly and I still try to help as much as I can. But every time I do I feel so guilty because I genuinely don’t care, when I see people cry my automatic response is to either laugh or go away, and I feel so so bad about that and I pretend to care, I’ve been called really compassionate and kind but I’m really not. Lying is another thing, I’m a good lier, like really good, I don’t lie about serious things, I mean I could but that would just be wrong to me. I don’t even have to practice my lies or anything and it comes so easy to me it’s insane. I’ve always wondered if this was a bad thing or not.

To add on all like the higher people in my life, boss, professors, stuff like that, they love me, like they favour me ig? I’ve never viewed it as a bad thing, I guess I’m likeable? But it’s allowed me to get away with small stuff, like lying or being late, I feel like this is a really bad thing. I’ve never had to try in anything and I’m sad because of it, I get A-Bs without studying, I’m good at sports and I don’t put effort into anything. And when I look around and see people really really trying and getting lower or the same as me, it makes