vent tw: suicide mention

the only thing that can help me now is a life like this seal is getting

i don't know what to do. ill be fucking dead before i tell my aunts its all getting worse. and im not telling my mom just for her to tell all of her friends. i need to get more medicine. im also not fucking going back to any damn mental hospital. the one i went to before wasn't too horrible but i cant even bring my seal plush in and that thing helps me through shit. im also scared i will go to a place like where my boyfriend went. i would talk to him right now but he is asleep. i cant even do my online school work and im getting horribly behind, my aunt berating me about it was how it all started this spiral. i don't know what to do. i cant commit cause my sister, boyfriend, and aunts would be sad. im stuck feeling like shit and taking pills that wont work. im just hoping to whatever the fuck is out there i will feel better when i go to my boyfriends in a couple days cause i dont even know what to do if it isnt. im just scared. i sleep 12 hours a day and i cant even wake up properly. my aunt says its cause i dont go out enough but i know damn well its all of this just built up shit. i want a cigarette but i don't wanna be addicted to them when im sad, id rather be happy and smoking them. i just wanna forget everything thats ever happened to me that was bad. ill explain more if anyone wants but god i just need this to be all fixed.