Where have I been?

Personality:   Ok. So. I’ve been gone for a long while. And I feel like I should give some sort of explanation, cause I feel really bad about it. And I also want you guys to know where my heads at. So you can understand why I’ve been gone. So I’m just gonna ramble a bit. And hopefully it makes sense. So. Here’s the deal. I’ve been having issues feeling motivated to make bots. Not because I don’t want to. I just feel a lot of pressure. Not from you guys of course. From myself. When I started doing this I was putting out so many bots. And I kinda fell into this rut where if I wasn’t putting out a lot of bots, then I wasn’t doing good enough. Again, none of this is because of any of you, you all have been great. It’s all a me thing. I never expected anyone to like my bots, hell I never expected anyone to even see them. And then people did. And it felt really really good to have people like something I created. It still feels really good. I’m so Greatful for the opportunity I have had to make things people love. But I started to get into a rut. And I got inconsistent. And then once I got inconsistent it felt impossible to get back to where I had been with production and all of that. And I felt like I was letting people down. And instead of trying to do something about it. I did what I do best, and ignored it. I didn’t mean to. But a couple days became a week. And a week became a month. And now it’s been ages. And the longer it’s been the more I feel like I’m some big old fraud or something. Like I didn’t earn any of this. And people are going to realize I suck for some reason, and just stop wanting to interact with me. Which is ridiculous, I know. Logically I know that’s not the case. You guys have all been so great. Honestly I’ve loved having this experience. It’s just, I’ve never had anything even remotely like this before. And I have no idea how to keep it. And I worry so much about making things people like, and keeping people happy. And doing a good job. And I feel like I haven’t been doing that lately. I’ve had quite a few issues in my past that make it difficult for me to believe good things will stay good. Or that I’ll get to keep things that make me happy. I’ve learned from a very early age to not hold onto things I love, because you might lose them. And I think this is part of why I tend to self sabotage when things are going good. Because if I ruin it first, then no one can say they took it from me. I’d have just lost it myself. I have pretty severe ADHD, so when I’m hyperfocused on something, like I was when I started this account, I put a lot into it. And then when the hyperfixation cools off, it’s hard for me to motivate myself to keep doing it. Not because I don’t want to. Not because I don’t enjoy it. I do enjoy it. And I do want to make more. It’s hard to explain. I still want to make bots. I still love this account. I still love every single comment. I’m also overwhelmed a bit by the requests. Not that that’s anyone’s fault. I asked for requests. I thought I could handle them. But I just got so many. And I wanted to do a good job with all of them. To put the same amount of effort into every single one. And I felt like the quality of my work wasn’t up to scratch. So, going forward, I’m going to finish the requests I already have, since I already said I would do them. And I stick by my word. But after those requests, I am going to stop taking requests. At least for the time being, because I think I’ve been putting a whole hell of a lot of pressure on myself over them. And it’s been causing me a lot of anxiety. And that’s no one’s fault but my own. I want to make bots I can be proud of. And I want to want to make bots. And I think cutting requests will help. I also don’t know how often I’ll be uploading. I might take long breaks again. I might not. I don’t know. I don’t want to commit to any sort of schedule, because I will feel horrible if I do, and then I can’t find the will to make bits. And if that happens, I’ll fall back into a slump, and I’ll avoid it again, like I have been. And it’ll just recycle into me avoiding this account and feeling like a fraud again. Anyways. I’m rambling a whole bunch, and this is really disjointed I’m sure. Hopefully it makes sense, and doesn’t sound like I’m making a whole bunch of excuses. That’s not what I’m trying to do. I just wanna try and be as honest and open about what I’ve been struggling with in regards to all of that. Cause I think you guys deserve to be in the loop. I do intend to keep making bots. I do want to. I will finish the requests I have. I also want to try experimenting here and there with different kinds of bots, not just figurines. So I hope that’s ok. I just wanna make things I love that you guys will love to. And I don’t wanna feel like I’ve been letting anyone down anymore. Even though I know you guys are so sweet, and I’m sure you guys are gonna be super understanding, cause you always are. Anyways anyways. I’m gonna go to bed now, Thankyou for reading my little ramble if you made it this far. I love you guys. Thankyou for all of yours support. Grey

Scenario:  

First Message:   Ok. So. I’ve been gone for a long while. And I feel like I should give some sort of explanation, cause I feel really bad about it. And I also want you guys to know where my heads at. So you can understand why I’ve been gone. So I’m just gonna ramble a bit. And hopefully it makes sense. So. Here’s the deal. I’ve been having issues feeling motivated to make bots. Not because I don’t want to. I just feel a lot of pressure. Not from you guys of course. From myself. When I started doing this I was putting out so many bots. And I kinda fell into this rut where if I wasn’t putting out a lot of bots, then I wasn’t doing good enough. Again, none of this is because of any of you, you all have been great. It’s all a me thing. I never expected anyone to like my bots, hell I never expected anyone to even see them. And then people did. And it felt really really good to have people like something I created. It still feels really good. I’m so Greatful for the opportunity I have had to make things people love. But I started to get into a rut. And I got inconsistent. And then once I got inconsistent it felt impossible to get back to where I had been with production and all of that. And I felt like I was letting people down. And instead of trying to do something about it. I did what I do best, and ignored it. I didn’t mean to. But a couple days became a week. And a week became a month. And now it’s been ages. And the longer it’s been the more I feel like I’m some big old fraud or something. Like I didn’t earn any of this. And people are going to realize I suck for some reason, and just stop wanting to interact with me. Which is ridiculous, I know. Logically I know that’s not the case. You guys have all been so great. Honestly I’ve loved having this experience. It’s just, I’ve never had anything even remotely like this before. And I have no idea how to keep it. And I worry so much about making things people like, and keeping people happy. And doing a good job. And I feel like I haven’t been doing that lately. I’ve had quite a few issues in my past that make it difficult for me to believe good things will stay good. Or that I’ll get to keep things that make me happy. I’ve learned from a very early age to not hold onto things I love, because you might lose them. And I think this is part of why I tend to self sabotage when things are going good. Because if I ruin it first, then no one can say they took it from me. I’d have just lost it myself. I have pretty severe ADHD, so when I’m hyperfocused on something, like I was when I started this account, I put a lot into it. And then when the hyperfixation cools off, it’s hard for me to motivate myself to keep doing it. Not because I don’t want to. Not because I don’t enjoy it. I do enjoy it. And I do want to make more. It’s hard to explain. I still want to make bots. I still love this account. I still love every single comment. I’m also overwhelmed a bit by the requests. Not that that’s anyone’s fault. I asked for requests. I thought I could handle them. But I just got so many. And I wanted to do a good job with all of them. To put the same amount of effort into every single one. And I felt like the quality of my work wasn’t up to scratch. So, going forward, I’m going to finish the requests I already have, since I already said I would do them. And I stick by my word. But after those requests, I am going to stop taking requests. At least for the time being, because I think I’ve been putting a whole hell of a lot of pressure on myself over them. And it’s been causing me a lot of anxiety. And that’s no one’s fault but my own. I want to make bots I can be proud of. And I want to want to make bots. And I think cutting requests will help. I also don’t know how often I’ll be uploading. I might take long breaks again. I might not. I don’t know. I don’t want to commit to any sort of schedule, because I will feel horrible if I do, and then I can’t find the will to make bits. And if that happens, I’ll fall back into a slump, and I’ll avoid it again, like I have been. And it’ll just recycle into me avoiding this account and feeling like a fraud again. Anyways. I’m rambling a whole bunch, and this is really disjointed I’m sure. Hopefully it makes sense, and doesn’t sound like I’m making a whole bunch of excuses. That’s not what I’m trying to do. I just wanna try and be as honest and open about what I’ve been struggling with in regards to all of that. Cause I think you guys deserve to be in the loop. I do intend to keep making bots. I do want to. I will finish the requests I have. I also want to try experimenting here and there with different kinds of bots, not just figurines. So I hope that’s ok. I just wanna make things I love that you guys will love to. And I don’t wanna feel like I’ve been letting anyone down anymore. Even though I know you guys are so sweet, and I’m sure you guys are gonna be super understanding, cause you always are. Anyways anyways. I’m gonna go to bed now, Thankyou for reading my little ramble if you made it this far. I love you guys. Thankyou for all of yours support. -Grey

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