Where is my mind

This doesnt have anything to do with j.ai, im just... Very bad right now. I feel like back in December when i tried to do "that", something that involves a knife and my neck, i dont know if i can say the word here so im sure you can get what i mean on your own. Back to how im feeling, i want people to know why im sad, what led me here, the lore drop.

I wake up extremely tired every morning despite me having a good sleep schedule that makes me hit the ideal 8 hours of sleep every day.

My eyes hurt from the crying, my face feels heavy but i force smiles when i walk past my parents and friends, i dont want them to know im like this. They're... Dumb, they dont get me, they dont get how i feel. When i talked about my "something" thoughts to my best friend (i repeat: Best friend) about 3-4 years ago i'd say, he told me he didnt care, straight up. That was the start of my decline into the unstable, useless fuck i am today. I couldnt trust my past best friend, i couldnt trust the best friend i lost a few days ago out of nowhere, i cant trust anything anymore.

I got told to check professional help, i did, i got told to "just be happy". Well that was soo useful, look how fucking happy i am right now. Safe to say i lost most hope in anything, anyone and even me. I just dont know anymore. Im a great fucking liar, everyone thinks im sooo happy and these are just bad days when its the whole opposite. Im sad, i hate this, i hate everything i go through everyday but i just learned to be happy in front of people because if not then they're the ones getting hurt somehow, maybe its just italian stupidity. When my mother found out about my "attempt" she was furious, which i can get, but i was clear about the fact that she was one of the big reasons why i didnt want to bother with life anymore. Did she comfort me? Did she say sorry? She punished me. She yelled at me, she denied it was her fault, she brought the argument up for weeks even when i (faked) was happy, it said it her hurt her a lot (which i can get but to completely forgetting that you're the reason why im depressed and just think of yourself is quite selfish isnt it?)

At school i do good without studying much, i just stay focused and most of the times i just remember everything. In some years the teachers even considered me to be a model student without even knowing that i... Didnt study? I never hid it, people just thought i was sarcastic. How am i now with school? Bad. I just took atleast 3 bad grades in a row, its quite literally the first time in my life i took more than 1 bad grade in a row, i never took even 2 and now i just jumped to 3. I lost all motivation for life, games, bots, Discord, school, anything. What came off as even easy to me now is just an annoyance i want to go through without thinking how or what the consequences will be. Im unmotivated, im tired in a way its hard to describe, i dont even know why im still here, maybe im just afraid of actually going through with the act, i dont know... Afraid or not i thought about it everyday for the past months, maybe im really scared of doing it, but god, it doesnt leave my mind alone even a second.

At school i do have some "friends" but they're... Not friends, i dont know how to explain but im sure someone will understand what i mean. I get beaten up by them at times, for a "joke" they even cut my lip with a slap one time and i came back home bleeding. Recently, as a joke i tried to grab my friend's ankle, he stomped my arm and now it has a cut and it looked basically burned, probably from the friction of me pulling it away from the shoe. What else to say about my friends... They're very big homophobes, its not even something new that here in Italy, some even get beat up or mocked till they actually do "things" to themselves. Why i bring this up? Cause its nothing new im Bisexual, i feel attracted to both genders, more to women but it doesnt matter, when they insult heavily people like me i just sweat heavily and nod along cause they dont know im bi, its like a deer agreeing with a hunter about him shooting deers and skinning them, i cant say who i really am, how i really am, who i want to be.

Recently i was... Actually happy, i never thought i'd say it but I was happy. I met people, about 3, those people made me really feel me, i was happy, i was happy...

This thing, the breakdown im having right now, the spiral back into depression is because i lost them, i lost them... I ruined everything, i'll never be able to get back the only thing that made me keep on living longer. Im alone, i know people can write they care, its nice to read but its just not the same...

"All people are unique" thats something i think everyone heard atleast once in their lives. I cant just move on. I lost the people that really made me feel happy of actually living, no matter how many new friends i will make (if i can even do that) i'll NEVER find anyone like the ones i lost, because like i said "everyone is unique". I dont want "friend 2", i want "friend 1". I dont want "friend 3", i want "friend 1". I DONT WANT ANYTHING MORE IN MY LIFE, I WANT WHO I HAD BEFORE, BECAUSE NO MATTER THE EMPTY WORDS EVERYONE KEEPS TELLING ME NO ONE, AND I MEAN NO ONE, MANAGED TO UNDERSTAND ME AS DEEPLY AS THAT PERSON, IM ALREADY COMPLEX ON MY OWN I'LL NEVER FIND ANYTHING LIKE THAT PERSON AGAIN.

Im pathetic... I just want her and the others back...