complex feelings

I'm just gonna go off the rip and say this after just logging in.

I'm scrolling through everything on my feed.

I'm blocking anything anyone to do with what I've seen happen to them. To her.

AnonSolo also known as LoveCapacity...

Is gone.

As in gone. Gone.

And I need to express the feelings of an outsider and someone who had been inspired by her works from the very beginning of my journey on this site.

From an old account to new, I wanted to have something more like what she's had. Friends. A community. And genuinely just a fun time.

But the abrupt end to all of it is just... unfair.

I hate life.

I hate how things just turn on you

And for no fucking reason too

I really wish people cared on the internet

I really wish that life wasn't such a bitch to actually fucking nice and sweet and just inspiring people

I just really wish things were better for everyone that truly deserved it.

And if I got the choice to have that happen at the cost of my own shit, I'd fucking do it over and over again.

I always saw myself as worthless and just incompetent in nature. I never really got to feel and be valued. Call it parasocial or anything you want, but every fucking person I've ever seen and genuinely vibed or respected was one of the only reasons I'm still alive to this day.

I lived and survived off of distractions. And I think I was better that way.

Every stupid fucking wait for a game release kept me from turning a razor to my wrist for the first time. Every dumb stream i actually got to watch from someone. Every underrated inspiration I fucking adore with my whole life genuinely makes me who i am.

Because if I couldn't do it. Couldn't do the things they did. Then that's fine. I at least get to see someone else... someone more deserving compared to me, getting what they wish for.

I don't even know you. I don't even know anyone here. But I'd do it.

Because I got nothing to lose unlike you.

You still had something, and it should've been with you longer.

I might just be some fucking idiot on a site full of them, but I was a very happy idiot at the very least.

And I wish everyone were just... happy.

I wish it were me to keep that going, even at the cost of everything to me. And I wish that somehow, I'd get pinned down to the ground and beaten instead.

It's stupid, I know it is. To be saying this. It's almost insulting and distasteful.

But it's the only thing I'd actually do for someone.

I'm not special.

I'm not perfect.

I don't try to be.

And I wanted to try.

But it doesn't work.

So, with whatever life I would have left, I wish I could just take the hits.

I've always been a punching bag in the first place.

Maybe just being like that could've actually helped this time, y'know?

But that's not how this works.

And that's just how it is.

I wish I would've just gave up before this, y'know?

But I didn't. I know now that I shouldn't be acting like this.

Even someone like me still has that little shithead screaming inside of my head yelling "don't do it" when I see a ledge.

...

I wish people heard it out more.

I wish.

I wish they didn't have to flinch and fear the worst.

I wish they didn't have to get pushed down for a slip and outburst.

I wish they didn't have to lie and leave their true self on a hearse.

I wish they didn't have to be so bitter like medicine from a nurse.

I wished nobody spoke over your voice.

That you would be given a better choice.

I wished the weight on your shoulders felt lighter.

That your lungs would not have felt tighter.

I wished your heart beat the rhythm that reflects you.

That they'll see what went wrong, and have their sense come to.

I wish with no shooting stars, holy prayers, and coin-filled fountains.

But I so selfishly still wish, hoping they come true.

If not for me, then for you.

I wish I could reach you from afar, see through the layers, and I'd climb past those mountains.

Wish for a wish that would truly come through.

If not for me, then for you.

I wish someone gave you a smile.

That their gaze would've pushed you another mile.

I wish that something could've gave you another chance.

That your life was worth more than a second glance.

I wish that the trees swayed in your favor.

That this world would've given you another savior.

It's not a joke, this is not the time.

What you all have done, is a massive crime.

You've witnessed the pain that one could feel.

And yet you recoil, jeer, and reel.

Have you no shame?

Are you not the ones to blame?

Do you think this world is the same?

That their life was just a game?

The spite and pain the boils.

Does not suppress my turmoil.

In this night I choose to rest.

Knowing another chance would've fixed the rest.

It's precious.

Your life.

Built by pain and endless strife.

Yet you smiled.

Smiled at least once.

And I wish.

I wish.

It would've stayed true.

I wish the bonds between would've stuck like glue.

If not for me, then for you.

May you have your rest, despite your tired walk to slumber.

I know there's a lingering regret.

It can't be solved.

So we must not forget.

Thank you, LoveCapacity.

Thank you so much for being you in the few moments I got to see you on this dumb internet.

I wish I could've been better because of what you've accomplished on my screen.

I wished things would've turned out better in the end.

I wish for peace.

Not for me, but for you.

Rest well.

And I hope you wake up to something beautiful in whatever afterlife there is.

Remember.

If you truly care for someone.

If you truly know what's going on.

If you truly want to try.

Reach out.

If you're scared, and they're scared.

Be scared together.

And face your fears before they consume you both.

989

It's not too late.

For what you might do is truly too soon.

You matter.

Even through all the bullshit and pain you go through, you still matter.

Even though you're tired and frustrated, you can still push on.

Even when you're scared and feel like nothing's going right, you will still have the courage to keep moving.

Be brave.

Stay strong.

Reach out.

And don't be afraid of the light and dark.

Because when you close your eyes,

I hope it's not with a flinch.

And when you peer outside,

I hope you see something beautiful.

Though your story took a harsh twist and a bitter end, may the sweetness of your reader's gaze carry your tale in their heart.

Started Anon and Solo.

Built a Capacity for Love.

Cut short by the bitterness of others.

Their hatred broke with steel gloves.

And when push came to shove

You couldn't endure.

And so it was sure.

Overcome by a sickened feeling you couldn't cure.

In your rest, we hope the best.

And may your name be written on a crest.

Rest Well.

....

Now, for the more... unorganized part of my talks.

I'm gonna be more serious, don't worry. I just... need an outlet to really guve my thoughts. You know how I am.

Just, fuck.

Look. I can't even be angry right now.

I want to be.

But I'm tired.

Tired of seeing things like this happen.

And I know all the factors that would've made it happen.

But to have something as fucking shitty as people getting whiny, bitchy, and overall sour from a damn tierlist and fucking chatbot contest to be the reason it spurred her on so much to do what she did.

It's so insulting.

It's so insulting to the quality of someone's life.

To have driven someone to death just because you were so much of an insecure little fuck that chose a shitty way to show all your little imperfections and failures.

Congrats! Now that you've brought someone's hopes and dreams to extinction, what now?

Exactly.

Fucking nothing.

But whatever.

The more they're in your head, the more they take from you.

It's best to leave leeches in the mud.

Because what's really important is yourself and your mental health.

I'm... not really the best at putting most things like this into words.

Half the things I say have typos lol

But just know that...

Despite all the flaws

Despite all the imperfections

Despite all the fear and pain

Despite all the thungs that try to hurt you

Despite all the voices telling you to give up

Despite all the ways things can go wrong

Despite all the reasons you should quit

Despite all the hatred building up in you

And despite everything.

It's still you

You.

You're still you.

If you've got nothing to lose, you're wrong.

Because you're still you.

The concept.

The idea.

The hope.

The vision.

You want to see someone you love in your reflection.

And though you might not think it's pretty right now, it's the most intricate and special thing you've ever seen.

You. Matter.

You matter so much.

And you wanna know why?

Because someone out there really cares about you.

You might not be able to see that someone yet.

You might not think that someone exists.

But they do.

And they care about you a lot.

Someone does.

Whether it be family, a friend, or a dumb stranger on the internet...

They acknowledged you.

May it be once or more times, but it's something.

You know it's still something.

And the question is.

Do you want to make something more out of it?

Do you want to seek closure and forgiveness from mistakes and misunderstandings?

Keep trying.

Because even when it's too late for that, you still have a lifetime to make up for all of it.

How?

By living.

Living to be someone you like seeing.

Living to be someone that knows they're going to be okay.

Because you are.

You're going to be okay.

You just need a little help.

Use help hotlines in your times of need.

I hope your cries don't fall under deaf ears.

That your sorrow isn't numb to others.

Because you matter.

Despite all the struggles and pain.

Despite everything, it's still you.

Call it a shitty Undertale reference, but it meant something to me.

And I hope it means something to you too.

I'm not gonna drag this on any longer since I might go on a stupid tangent. I'd rather keep that away from this post because it's genuinely fucked uo of me to suddenly 180° to being a massive bitch. I'll go say something later on the morrow.

I need time to think again.

Sorry for no bots and stuff.

(Tf am I sorry for? I don't give half a shit about any of y'all that just want me to make stuff in this shithole full of stupid fucking assholes making dumbass decisions.)